How to write a good resume?

I'm not a too big fan of resumes myself. In all honesty, most of the resumes I have created for myself could be categorized as "Resumes that should never be submitted, if you actually wanted to get the job." For example, my resumes have included an "Honest section" where I explain that while would like to get the job, I'd actually just like to receive the money and work as little as possible. I have also mentioned that preferably I should be able or actually even be forced to travel a lot and the work should be mostly done during flights as when I'm on the ground I probably won't have much time to do any work. Or that I should be able to work from bars and cafeterias. So all in one, I'd need the work to be overly flexible and even though I was the one who sent the resume to the potential employer, I actually have hundreds of conditions for me to actually agree to work for them.

That's not really a way to get a job, right? Well, in practice, I actually have received gigs in answer to emails such as "Due to the recent increase in beer consumption and rising prices I wouldn't mind working for you project-bases every once in a while." Well, sometimes it works, but obviously more often it doesn't. That's also the reason why I ended up working for myself. You know, this way I know my boss is kind of an imbecile and my only employee is kind of lazy guy who has many weird opinions and expectations.

But if you're not like me and really want to create a resume that would give you a better chance of landing a job then it would be a great idea to spend a day researching the topic - how to create a good CV. To do that you should definitely check out some resume blog, read articles and suggestions both from people who have recently successfully applied for a job and companies with tips on what problems they often see in the applicants' resumes. You should also read stuff about how to get your resume read in the first place as some companies who receive a motherload of applications often initially just check half of them.